Meme

[shade184]

It's four in the morning, I can't sleep, and I feel like shit.

DISTRACTION TIEM!!!1!one!@

Swiped from umbravita 

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Actually questioned my own reality. Whoa.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I haven't ever made a resolution, because I know I'll forget.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I can recall.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
None, unfortunately. :(

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A job, bitchezzzz! And a place of my own. And a nice bed, because I barely fit in my current one and it's uncomfortable as anything. (It's an old hospital mattress, ffs.)

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The days I spent at Rainbow Country, because they are the only days I actually felt truly at home. ^_^

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Actually finishing some measure of official study.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm... let me get back to you on that. Also, define "biggest". -_-

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major in either department, fortunately.

11. What were the best things you bought?
A couple of games. Also the Fallout: New Vegas Official Limited Edition Game Guide. ^_^

Actually, no. The best thing I bought was my hoodie. That little thing is great.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Dusty. Because she has made awesome progress overall this year, and will continue to make awesome progress next year.

13. Whose behaviour appalled you?
Matthew fucking Comerford. If I see him again, I will kill him.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Games! ^_^

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The Mana Bar! (Which I still haven't visited. -_-) Then Brisbane! Then the two-month course! Then ELDER SCROLLS MOTHERFUCKING FIVE!!!!! *fanboysquee*

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Nightwish - Ghost Love Score

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
A bit of both, I guess. Happier, because I've learned a lot of truths that I wouldn't have even been able to comprehend had I not learned them sooner. Sadder, because I've realised that most of my life has been a lie.

ii. thinner or fatter?
Fatter, I think. -_- Hence the exercise that I've just started doing on a regular basis.

iii. richer or poorer?
Probably richer. Right now I'm stony broke, but over the year I managed to fix my payments, so I had a little money coming in. And in a non-monetary sense, I've learned a lot, too.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Job hunting.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Feeling like miserable, miserable shit.

20. How will you be spending Christmas and/or New Year's?
I won't be. My parents (and thus my family) doesn't celebrate Christmas. And Hannukah, which they do instead, does not compare. Consumerism aside, you don't realise how much you enjoy the excuse to celebrate with friends and family, till it's gone. I miss Christmas.

Although I never really did that. I swear, my family is the biggest group of antisocial bastards ever. I need to move out, now.

Yes, my parents are Catholic. They celebrate Hannukah. Don't ask, because I don't know.

As for New Year? I'd like to spend it (or at least the transition) sitting in a field, leaning up against a tree, a beer in hand and a loved girl in my arms, watching the fireworks from a distance.

Insead, I'll probably spend it at home doing nothing, by myself, feeling lonely.

This is why I hate December. The rest of (my) world is all like "o hay, let's go be happy in front of some miserable people".

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Not really.

23. How many one-night stands?
Not one.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Farscape! And Firefly!

(Yeah, I know they're both cancelled, but I don't watch TV at home so they count.)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes. I hate someone even more, whom I didn't hate quite as much.

26. What was the best book you read?
I didn't read much, but Wild At Heart by John Eldredge was surprisingly good.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I would say Two Steps From Hell, but I discovered them last year... hmm... Poets Of The Fall, then.

28. What did you want and get?
Mostly material things. A couple of games, a qualification, a poster. And a lava lamp. I love my lava lamp. ^_^

29. What did you want and not get?
Mosty immaterial things. Love. Hugs. Friends. Acceptance.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Avatar, but only because I didn't get to see Inception.

31. What did you do on your birthday?
I went to Rainbow Country (Bec's place) and went hippy for a few days. Was wonderful.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Probably finding work.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Hehe. Cargo pants with lots of pockets, and a comfortable but not-too-tacky shirt.

34. What kept you sane?
My online friends, and copious amounts of gaming.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Uh... nobody, really. I don't really do that very much.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
NO CLEAN FEED MOTHERFUCKERS

37. Who did you miss?
Many people. :(

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Raquel. Haven't spoken to her much lately, but she's very wise, and a lovely lady.

Comments

[hallowspite]

Aww, thanks. ♥

How has your life been a lie?

[shade184]

You're very welcome - I've seen your progress over the last year, and although you may not think it, as an outsider looking in I see huge progress, at least in the things that you've posted and talked to me about. I'm sure there's plenty of stuff you don't tell me about, but the stuff that you actually have - definitely. ^_^



Basically a lie in terms of spirituality. Since I was a little kid, religion has been a huge part of my life. And all this time I've leaned on it to get me through hard times, enjoyed being a part of the church community, yada yada.

And then one day I learn that I've been spoon-fed a load of bullshit since I was too young to realise there were any other truths. I mean, this is probably an overly harsh way to say it, but my conviction in my faith was to a freakin' brainwashed degree. I could not comprehend that something I had been taught was wrong, and that's assuming that such blasphemous thoughts would even cross my mind, which they never did.

And then, my year 10 English teacher, Mr Johnson, changed everything for me. I think I've mentioned him before, actually. While I don't remember exactly what he said, it was essentially: "Why don't you ever question anything you're told?"

That was all it took. That and time. It's been three or so years since then, and I'm still struggling to come to terms with the magnitude of the things I thought were right and wrong. I'm not saying I've been brought up in a cult full of crazies who raised me on superstitious nonsense. (My parents are Catholic.) I'm actually glad, for some reasons, that I was raised like this. I was brought up to know right and wrong, and to really, truly believe in doing what is right, and I know that I'm only human and it's okay to make mistakes and all that, and the motivation of having something to look forward to in the end.

But. There's so much I didn't take into account. A lot of it to do with sexuality, as you might have guessed, and the rest to do with spirituality in general. Looking back, I can see how much I've typed, but I could still go on for hours.

[hallowspite]

I don't believe you were raised by a cult at all. When you're raised taking something as Truth, it's hard to dispute that. Your parents might've been raised in a cultlike fashion, or their parents, and might not have taught you ever to question something.

Sexuality - do you mean being sexual or sexual preference?

(Also, why do your parents celebrate Hanukkah[sp]? What's the reason they give you?)

[hallowspite]

Shit, can't delete my previous comment to repost, so here's my edit:

Your upbringing may not have been a lie. It might have just been someone else's truth. There's no one true religion, just as some people's truths are being atheist, some people are Pagan, or Kemetic, or Christian.

[shade184]

The reason for the Jewish celebration instead of the Christian one? Argh, it's a long story and I'm kinda twitchy right now with the other two things I'm answering. Hold that thought, remind me in your next reply or something, but I have to finish this next bit.

Sexuality - do you mean being sexual or sexual preference?

Both, although the latter is a bigger issue for me. Gay is evil, remember? It was so hard to get my head around the fact that my best friend in high school was a lesbian. I was crying every night at one point, because how could this wonderful person be as evil as I was raised to believe? As for my own sexual preferance, I know that I'm straight, but I can't help but see the slightest thing that might "affect my sexuality" as a "threat". I can't do anything that might make me think there's even a little bit of gayness in me. Most Christians don't have it this bad, it's a result of the high school confusion thing.

I'm tempted to just force myself to go make out with a guy, in the hope that something of that magnitude would break whatever problems I might have. In reality, though, it would probably just break me instead. :/

Your upbringing may not have been a lie. It might have just been someone else's truth. There's no one true religi-

Okay. This is why it is a problem.

You see what you just wrote? About there being multiple truths? Every fibre of my being is screaming at me right now to delete your reply because NO THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUTH AND THAT TRUTH IS GOD'S LOVE EVERYTHING ELSE IS SATAN TRYING TO LEAD US ASTRAY

It really is that bad. I cannot reread your comment. I've been sitting here, practically twitching with impatience while my sloooow internet loads, because OMG I NEED TO CORRECT HER THAT'S NOT TRU- stfu brain.

This is what I imagine mild OCD would be like, I guess. :/ And please don't say anything to try and tell me that there really are multiple truths or whatever. I'm having enough trouble coming to terms with it on my own. Please, don't take offence.

[hallowspite]

I'm glad you've grown into an accepting person.

I hope you don't mind me writing this:

And please don't say anything to try and tell me that there really are multiple truths or whatever. I'm having enough trouble coming to terms with it on my own.

I think you understand it. But don't worry - most people don't believe in that anyway. If this perspective is too intense for you, you can take the perspective that you're right and others are wrong but that you accept that they chose to walk that path, even if you think the path is wrong.

But I have to say - if you're not comfortable confronting it yet, so be it. But if you don't confront it, you will never be comfortable with it. The reason it is so jarring is because it goes against everything you've believed up until now, and the only way to stop it is to meet it head on and chip away at it, bit by bit, through gradual exposure.

(I hope that was not out of line of me to say.)

NO THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUTH AND THAT TRUTH IS GOD'S LOVE EVERYTHING ELSE IS SATAN TRYING TO LEAD US ASTRAY

This is why you didn't question anything growing up. Fear mongering has told you that questioning is bad, that it's Satan doing it. And Satan is the Ultimate Evil of Christianity, the antagonist of the Bible, and so to think differently would be to allow the Ultimate Evil to touch you. (It's like letting Hitler give you a hug.) I could say a few brain-breaking statements about Satan but you probably won't want to hear it.

Just remember - God, the universe, loves you, and wants what is best for you, even if that's not following his path. He would not have created many wonderful paths for us to take if he were going to punish us for taking them.

Homophobia, for instance, once existed as a defence mechanism - not only was it unusual (and the unusual is something that tends to squick us out or frighten us - when I was young I thought being gay was disgusting, but came to terms with it very quickly and I'm comfortable with my sexuality now), but if you were gay, that meant you couldn't marry and support a woman and have children - no children to take care of you, no wife to cook for you, and so on. (And if you were a lesbian, you couldn't be with a woman because your duty was to have babies and provide for a man.) Society was so rigid in gender roles that it did not allow for alternate sexual preferences, which would endanger it, and so it was labelled as disgusting and bad. Especially in the days of the Bible, when a single disease could wipe out your entire tribe, when producing as many children as possible was most important because your tribe might not survive if you didn't.

The point being - religion existed at a time when it was crucial for hope and for morale, and many of the rules of religion would apply to a society that existed in that time, but not today, and if you don't follow those rules, no one will get hurt.

[shade184]

But I have to say - if you're not comfortable confronting it yet, so be it. But if you don't confront it, you will never be comfortable with it. [...] the only way to stop it is to meet it head on and chip away at it, bit by bit, through gradual exposure.

That's just it, you see. I've been doing that, and it's very hard. Right now I'd like nothing more than to just lie down and go back to my perfect little world. But I'm not like that. I was raised to believe that there is only one truth, and I still believe that. But what, exactly, is that truth? That there's more than one truth? This is worse than the whole science vs. religion argument that I refuse to be dragged into. And I'm a freaking scientist at heart - my purpose in life is to discover the truth!

Does that last paragraph confuse you? If not, well done. It confuses the hell out of me. It's a classic case of nature vs. nurture. For me this is like discovering that one plus one is three, or that shining a light on something actually casts a shadow on it - basically, the laws of (my) reality are wrong. I need time to process this, and it's probably going to take longer that the couple of years that I've had to reprocess my entire life. Please bear with me.

And no, it wasn't out of line. :)

[...] religion existed at a time when it was crucial for hope and for morale[...]

Exactly. A lot of those laws were there for a damn good reason - back then. A couple who had sex outside of marriage were to stoned to death, for example. Why? Because, like you said, disease prevention, including that of STDs, was a major factor in the survival of a tribe, and needed to be kept in check. (Note the very impersonal and relatively bloodless method of execution, as well as the public example?) And like you said, homosexuality was against the law because survival was an issue.

And then of course, the majority of other laws were there for obvious reason - laws against stealing, murder, etc.

And now? Relics of the past or not, they're still ingrained into me. I try to be accepting, but eighteen years of "truth" aren't going to undo themselves in a hurry. But I'm trying. And thank you so much for your help and support. (And also for your exposure - you're pretty much my main gateway to all things LBGT. Even more than Becca.)

Times like this I just want to go out and get laid, if only to prove my parents wrong. But this isn't about rebellion, and I have to keep telling myself that. This is about me finding out the "truth", even if that truth is that there are multiple truths.

Yeah, I'm repeating myself now. You get the idea.

[hallowspite]

It'll take time. But it'll happen. Don't fight it, let it come through.

And - main gateway? Can I ask how? *Boggles* Lol, I'm not even much of a part of the LGBT community.

[shade184]

That's the thing, no? I'm trying not to fight it, against every thing else in me that is.

Hmm... how do I put this...

Pretty much everything I hear about non-straight people, I hear from you. When I interact with gay/bi people. you're the person I notice it most from. This isn't a bad thing, this is just how it is. I don't mean everything about you screams gay, I just mean that I notice it in you. For example, I heard about the DADT thing from you, and I hear about Nadim sometimes. We joke about you being bi and all that.

Does that make more sense? :\

[hallowspite]

Ohhh, yeah. LGBT rights are a big thing for me. I admit I don't keep an active eye on it, though - 99% of news I learn is what I learn through other people, lol.

[shade184]

As do I. "Other people" being "you". :P

Now. Hannukah. (I don't know if it's two n's or two k's, nor do I really care, lol.) What did you want to know? Why my parents celebrate it instead of Christmas?

[hallowspite]

Yup! It's really weird for Catholics to celebrate a Jewish holiday. O_o

[shade184]

It is indeed.

Hmm... I'm trying to figure out how to word this without getting the wrong message across.

Okay. I'll just put it bluntly. My church is predominantly Catholic, and it shows if you know what to look for (which I do), but there are some differences. For example, a lot of our catechism is taken directly from the Bible. It's not so much a Jewish thing as a "God's People" thing.

So when I say stuff from the Bible, that includes a lot of laws taken from Leviticus (the book that basically told the Jews what God wanted them to do). This includes clean and unclean meat, festival days, and having the Sabbath day on Saturday (which, actually, is technically the "seventh day") rather than Sunday. So a lot of the stuff they do is what Jews would do, not for the sake of being Jewish, but for the sake of being God's people. The Bible says a lot of stuff about promises for those who observe these laws; blessings and all that.

Then it moves on to things that have been mistranslated. For example, Jesus's birthday is only on December 25th because the Gregorian messed with the dates. The actual date is supposed to be the September 11th. They don't hold any special celebration on that date, though; Hannukah pretty much takes the place of any Christmas they might have.

No Christmas trees, either - pagan iconography (this is actually correct). Certain pagan religions would offer sacrifices to their gods by leaving gifts under pine trees. Sound familiar? Yeah, that's what all the Christians said before they ran off to pray and atone for their heinous acts. (Okay, now I'm slipping into sarcasm mode, but you get the idea. Christmas trees are a no-go.)

So yeah. Stuff like that. It's a bit whacked, and yet it all has its logical place if you believe in it.

[hallowspite]

(I thought Jesus's birthday was in spring because there were lambs or something? *Should read the Bible and check.*)

So your family is basically Jewish with a Catholic label?

(I hear a lot of Christian traditions are actually Pagan in origin - Christmas is near yule, for instance. Hallowe'en, while not Christian, is at Samhain/Beltane. Stuff like that.)

[shade184]

The Bible says nothing about the season. :/

To be honest, I don't know what the hell they are anymore.

They are indeed. You haven't even scratched the surface with those festivals.

You see why I get all uncomfortable talking about these things? It's good to have faith in something and all that, but my church is full of religious mutts. If someone asks what I am, I say Catholic (because that's the one I know best), but I can't even say what church I go to because the locals labelled the damn place a cult years ago, and the bishop of the parish fucking disowned them. It doesn't help that I've got enough religious insecurities as it is, without this. I get ridiculed for my family's religion... half the reason I need to get out of town.

[hallowspite]

I think you'd find Catholics get ridiculed and judged no matter where you go. :(

Are you on MSN?

[shade184]

Thing is, I wouldn't care about being ridiculed for being a Catholic, assuming I was one. I'm not one, nor am I targeted as ome. What I do care about is the fact that I'm copping flak because my family is "part of a cult". It's one of those small-town things, the fuckheads. That's why I need to go. Not for work, but because I am taking fire for something I have nothing to to with.

And I would love to be on MSN, but my laptop's internet is barely scraping by as it is. I'm actually typing out all this in a text file while I wait for the journal web page to load. I've been waiting at least ten minutes already just for the one page. And I'd bring my laptop out to the lounge room and hook it up there, but my dad changed the setup and now there's nowhere to plug into anymore.

Another reason why I need my own damn place. -_- *is very frustrated right now*

My apologies for the unavailability. :/ How much longer do you expect to be up? I can possibly hijack the family computer, if you can wait a little while.

[hallowspite]

Depends how long. Ten minutes, yeah, but I'm not sure I'll be here in an hour or two.

[shade184]

Hang about. The family computer's going to be free "soon", whatever my sister means by that, but it *shouldn't* be more than ten minutes. I'll be with you asap.