Anna

My temper nearly got the better of me tonight. Everything was niggling at me and wanted me to do this or that, and my brain just shut down from the sheer frustration. All I wanted to do was roar at everybody to shut up, maybe break a few walls, then go have a hot shower and sleep in my nice warm bed. Fortunately, I've calmed myself down a little.

Most of the time I have a crazy level of control over my emotions, except when lots of little things gang up on me. Then it just builds up until either I remove myself from the situation, or I snap and explode/panic/otherwise freak out.

I'm just about to leave for work now. A few minutes ago, Mum pulled me aside and pressed a couple of bags of those little Easter eggs into my hand. For some reason, that nearly brought me to tears. We don't even celebrate Easter, yet my mum gave me something that would help me feel a little better.

So now, I'm just quickly typing this out as the little boys go to the toilet before the trip. (Number one rule of taking young children on trips, haha.) I feel a lot better, now, and hopefully work will help me, too. Hard work always makes me feel better when I'm angry, and now that I'm getting used to this workload, I can actually start to refocus my negative emotions into energy for doing something constructive.

Bye, everyone. Love you all, and I'll see you when you get back. <3

Chloe: But one of my little dreams is to backpack the world with my (future...) dog, just enjoying the land and whatever the sky throws at me as we walk from place to place, meeting new people, making friends and then continuing on.
Joseph: I wish I could be content with that. I'm too focused on the short term right now, to think about the long term. And I'm not talking about "right now" short term.
Chloe: I know.
Chloe: You don't have to be content with my dreams, that's why they're mine. You have yours :)
Chloe: It's what makes humans so great! So individualistic!
Joseph: Indeed.
Joseph: And, it's what makes them so conflicted. Both with the rest of the world, and with themselves.
Chloe: Maybe.
Chloe: I think it's strength.
Joseph: It can be.
Joseph: It's your strength.
Joseph: It's my weakness.
Chloe: Individuality?
Joseph: Not in that direct sense.
Chloe: Then how?
Joseph: I'm not sure how to explain it.
Joseph: I'm still young. My head's not in the right place.
Joseph: Let's just leave it at that, for now.
Chloe: Alright.
Chloe: Everything has it's own time :)



I lied. I know exactly how to explain it.
I have fallen for someone who knows that I've done so, but who refuses to say whether or not she feels the same. To her credit, she's kept things from becoming awkward,but she's still left me hanging.

Something else.... she also said that "this isn't the time for [me] to get into a relationship". And you know what? She's right. She is so right. And she's always right.

But I really, really wonder how she feels about me. We're close, that's a given. We've talked about things that neither of us could talk to anyone else about, for reasons varying from been-there-done-that empathy, to sheer levels of geekiness. Hell, we've even decided that we're going to meet up someday. But the suspense is driving me mad. If she doesn't like me back, I can handle that. But what if I do something stupid with someone else, and then find out that it's really Chloe I should be with? Should I stay out of relationships? And if I do, what'll happen? I don't want to be left hanging, only to find out that I've wasted all this time for nothing. Should I wait for the one person I know who is capable of understanding? Or should I just move on and hope for the best?

Chloe, I don't know if you're reading this. But I know you know about this journal. So in case you are reading this, I know you're all about winging it. I know that according to the way you think, I should just go with the flow and hope for the best.
But I've also heard what you haven't been saying. I know you want someone to save you from the ranks of the freaks who could never love anyone. I know you'd like to go on an adventure with me, "space cowgirl". You haven't exactly been skimping on the whole "subtext" thing we talked about.

You said that I'm the kind of person who will reach my goals eventually. And you know what? You're my goal. Once I have money, I know exactly where I want to go. To Canada. To meet you. Maybe we'll stay together long, maybe we won't. But I want to meet you. More than anything else. Maybe then we can figure out what exactly is between you and me. Maybe we'll stick together, maybe we won't. We might stay friends, or become more, or have a falling out. But at least I'd be able to know exactly what's going on.

You remember what I was saying before? About not being content with that life? I could never be happy travelling the world with just a dog. I want a human companion. But... you don't. I'd love to share your dream. Just as long as I'm not replaced by a dog. :P

On the other hand, this could be my young, idealistic mind talking. So I apologise if I'm ranting like a fool.

Please. If I've misread the signs, and you're reading this, TELL ME. Get these delusions out of my head.

And if I haven't misread them... I would really, really appreciate some closure, mate.