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Oct. 7th, 2012 01:35 pmThe other day, someone posted an image on tumblr.
My thoughts on it at the time were: "I know what you're gonna say. 'It's impossible to be the best at anything, there will always be someone better than you, so just accept that you'll never be the best and be YOUR best instead.' But really, that is the worst thing you can say. It doesn't inspire action; only hopelessness. What good can I possibly be when there are literally a million other people who can do it better? Might as well go get one of them to do it."
I thought about it and realised that my response implies that I'm doing things for the sake of other people. Alright, that seems to be the problem. I have trouble getting good at anything, 'cause I compare myself to everyone else and just lose hope, since I'm doing it for THEM and they can do it better anyway.
And it kinda makes sense, y'know? I don't place any value on my appearance, so logically the only thing of value that I'd have would be my skills.
If I arted or played music or wrote for myself, I suppose I'd be a lot happier. Especially if I was able to take critique and inspiration and input from others and still only be doing it to make myself better, for my own sake.
But nobody ever taught me how to do that. It's always been about peers (or God, if you go back far enough). People say "stop worrying about what other people thing and just do it! Other people don't matter!" Yeah, dude, that tells me nothing. I've spent my last twenty years living for other people and I'm clueless about how to do anything else. How does one actually do something for oneself? In plain English, "for dummies", with none of this psychological fuckery?
Also, I'm terrified of what might happen if I succeed at this. Question is, why?
... this has been a rant. Pardon.
ETA: Thinking further, this all implies that I place my self-worth on what I can do or how I look or what I have, not who I am. That... well, that actually makes me want to cry. I'm totally aware that I think like this. But I don't know how to think any other way and I'm so scared that I'll never be able to snap out of it. ;A;
My thoughts on it at the time were: "I know what you're gonna say. 'It's impossible to be the best at anything, there will always be someone better than you, so just accept that you'll never be the best and be YOUR best instead.' But really, that is the worst thing you can say. It doesn't inspire action; only hopelessness. What good can I possibly be when there are literally a million other people who can do it better? Might as well go get one of them to do it."
I thought about it and realised that my response implies that I'm doing things for the sake of other people. Alright, that seems to be the problem. I have trouble getting good at anything, 'cause I compare myself to everyone else and just lose hope, since I'm doing it for THEM and they can do it better anyway.
If I arted or played music or wrote for myself, I suppose I'd be a lot happier. Especially if I was able to take critique and inspiration and input from others and still only be doing it to make myself better, for my own sake.
But nobody ever taught me how to do that. It's always been about peers (or God, if you go back far enough). People say "stop worrying about what other people thing and just do it! Other people don't matter!" Yeah, dude, that tells me nothing. I've spent my last twenty years living for other people and I'm clueless about how to do anything else. How does one actually do something for oneself? In plain English, "for dummies", with none of this psychological fuckery?
... this has been a rant. Pardon.
ETA: Thinking further, this all implies that I place my self-worth on what I can do or how I look or what I have, not who I am. That... well, that actually makes me want to cry. I'm totally aware that I think like this. But I don't know how to think any other way and I'm so scared that I'll never be able to snap out of it. ;A;
