In which I am not feeling very well.
Sep. 18th, 2012 09:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shade184This evening has not been a pleasant one.
My depression is going rampant; I can't focus on anything. I feel like my situation is hopeless; it's obvious that my journey to become an engineer will take longer than I expected it to. I'm boiling over with envy at two of my friends who have hooked up; they're great together but my old Nice Guy tendencies are starting to flare up again and will not stop nagging at me no matter how much conscious thought I put into it. I hate everything and I hate myself. Tonight I'm going to curl up in bed and ignore these nagging, overdue assignments and drown myself in the escapism of anime for as long as possible and pretend that every aspect of my being isn't screaming out for help.
Logically, there's nothing wrong with my life. Logically, all I have to do is sit down, study hard, pay attention to my books, finish my assignments and mail them in. And if anyone tells me that this is the solution to my problems, then fuck them. I don't need internet hugs, or sympathy, or hollow placations of "don't worry, everything's going to be alright!" I need a solid solution that will stop me from derailing myself with self-loathing, a boost to my mental capacity to comprehend my schoolwork, and a steady supply of alcohol to keep me going until such a time as the two former problems can be solved. Real-life hugs will be acceptable substitutes for now, but ha, it's not like I can even GET those fucking things from anyone around here. >_< Hooray for living in a shithole in the middle of fucking nowhere!
At least I'm not feeling suicidal. Never have. Hopefully never will. Can't really muster up any sense of gratefulness, but I guess I might be able to later on.
And now I'm going to watch horrifically dark and/or sickeningly cute anime until I pass out.
My depression is going rampant; I can't focus on anything. I feel like my situation is hopeless; it's obvious that my journey to become an engineer will take longer than I expected it to. I'm boiling over with envy at two of my friends who have hooked up; they're great together but my old Nice Guy tendencies are starting to flare up again and will not stop nagging at me no matter how much conscious thought I put into it. I hate everything and I hate myself. Tonight I'm going to curl up in bed and ignore these nagging, overdue assignments and drown myself in the escapism of anime for as long as possible and pretend that every aspect of my being isn't screaming out for help.
Logically, there's nothing wrong with my life. Logically, all I have to do is sit down, study hard, pay attention to my books, finish my assignments and mail them in. And if anyone tells me that this is the solution to my problems, then fuck them. I don't need internet hugs, or sympathy, or hollow placations of "don't worry, everything's going to be alright!" I need a solid solution that will stop me from derailing myself with self-loathing, a boost to my mental capacity to comprehend my schoolwork, and a steady supply of alcohol to keep me going until such a time as the two former problems can be solved. Real-life hugs will be acceptable substitutes for now, but ha, it's not like I can even GET those fucking things from anyone around here. >_< Hooray for living in a shithole in the middle of fucking nowhere!
At least I'm not feeling suicidal. Never have. Hopefully never will. Can't really muster up any sense of gratefulness, but I guess I might be able to later on.
And now I'm going to watch horrifically dark and/or sickeningly cute anime until I pass out.