Brief update.

[shade184]

EDIT: Goddammit, my stupid fucking system clock messed up and now my last two posts got the wrong time. I thought the "Friday" I mentioned in the post looked wrong. Although, the "at this time last week" is actually more correct now than it will be tomorrow.

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Managed to hook my lappy up to the router, so I can actually get stable enough internet to post this.

It's Friday night. God, this week has passed so quickly. To think, this time last week, I was hoping like crazy the package I ordered would arrive soon. And now, I'm about as numb as it gets. I'm not normally like this – hell, I don't think I've ever truly been emotionally numb before. And now I'm not even trying. The feeling just left me the moment I heard that the water was coming, stayed that way while I looked after everyone, and still hasn't returned.

Yes, I'm safe. Yes, my family is safe. Yes, my house is safe. Yes, there's enough food and transport, and no, I don't there will be any more danger for a while. I know a few people who lost their houses, and one person whose grandmother is missing, but nobody I'm close to lost anything. They turned the water off this afternoon while they deal with dam issues or something, but since our tank uses gravity instead of a pump, water's not an issue. And obviously, power's back.

I'm kinda in stasis at the moment. I can't do anything. Can't look for work, because there's no transport to Toowoomba, and internet's too buggy to use for that atm. Can't visit friends, and although that's for the usual reason rather than because of the floods, that's no help. Can't help out in the affected areas, they're still locked down by rescue services, and I need to stay here on the off chance that something goes wrong. I'm going insane, batshit crazy. Stagnation has never done me good, and this is no better.

Something interesting, though. I said to a friend that I felt the Universe was preparing me for something. She told me that I should pay attention – at worst, I wouldn't suffer for it, and at best, I'd be ready if I got thrown a curveball.

What a curveball it was.

I feel really bad about this, but I've pretty much put it all from my mind. It's not in my face, since I don't watch the news, and it's not like I was affected personally. Is it selfish to focus on my own problems, because I feel that I can't really help with others' problems anyway?

Ended up writing a letter to Raquel. She won't get it anytime soon, because she's away on some sort of music retreat or something, but it's all I could really think of to do at this time.

*sigh*

 

I thought this would be a lot longer, but there's nothing to really say besides that I'm safe, and fucked.

I'm so tired. Shock is exhausting.

Comments

[hallowspite]

It's not selfish to focus on your own problems. You can't help others if you can't help yourself, lovie. *Snuggles*

You may be in one place, but you don't have to stagnate. You said to Raquel you wanted a week - so have it. Do what you have to do, chores, etc, but give yourself permission to not think for a week - to read when you feel like it, to play games when you feel like it, to draw, to write, to build - to take time for you. When the universe makes you stand still, it's usually for a reason. It's usually to make you take time for yourself, or sort something out you can't when you're moving.

Not to say the floods especially happened to make you do that, but you get what I'm saying, yes? :P The Universe is good at making events coincide.

(Also, if it's any comfort, Set is good at freaking me the fuck out too. :P He sort of waits until I get over it, though.)

[shade184]

I actually posted two seperate ones so that anything talked about in reply comments stays in their correct security levels. That's why I sometimes email you instead of an actual reply, even when comments are left open - for privacy's sake. But what the fuck. Who am I fooling, it's not like anyone else reads this stupid thing. -_-

The thing is, I don't want to take time for me. What the hell do I do? I'm sick of gaming, I'm sick of drawing, sick of writing and building and creating. I want to destroy something. Everyone I'm close to IRL seems intent on destroying me, I might as well take a few of the cunts down with me.

... no. That's not true. It's my urges, but not me. I just want love right now. And I've nobody to get it from but myself.

I just realised, as I write this... from myself? The hell? Is this why my diaphragm - which is close to my solar plexus (you know what I mean) has been hurting these last few days? I'm supposed to be doing something for the self? Oh, no. No no no.

Are you on MSN?