![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shade184Okay. This is how I really feel about Chloe.
Chloe, you and I come from completely different worlds. You were obviously messed up as a kid, as shown by the way you sympathise with sociopaths, and the way you yourself exhibit minor traits of sociopathy (to me, at least). You have put a colossal amount of incredibly high-quality work into a fictional character, which indicates that you have very little to live for IRL.
The short answer? I'm terrified of you. You are the ultimate test for me to pass. Every time we talk, I feel like you're scrutinising me, and many of the things you say sounds like judgements. How could I possibly forget the day that you told me that I'm "insanely impressionable"? And then there was the more recent time when you commented on the fact that I "don't adapt well". These are both true, and they are character flaws of mine. (I don't think they're as bad as some other flaws I have, but that's not the point.)
I just wish I knew whether they actually matter to you or not. I was only half-joking when I made that comment about you looking down on me. But then again, I feel like everybody looks down on me, so it's no big deal to me.
How much do I matter to you, Chloe? This isn't an accusing question, just a curious one. Where do I stand on your list of friends? Am I one of those people you occasionally talk to online, or even someone whom you make a point to talk to? (Judging solely from the amount of times you've actually initiated conversation, I find myself doubting that it's the latter.) Do I actually matter to you on a more personal level, perhaps? Am I the kind of person whom you actually want to meet, or even get to know on a personal level?
Because I know I feel that way about you. I have never met a more compelling, intriguing person than you, Chloe. Raquel, Becca, even Dusty - they're all fascinating people whom I really want to know more about, but you take the cake here. Your actions and their motives leave me thinking long after we've stopped talking. I think Dusty recieves less of a reaction from me because I subconsciously categorise her with certain stereotypes (not on purpose, I swear), but you, Chloe, are impossible to categorise. I can relate to so many of your issues, interests, confusions and priorities that we have even acknowledged on occasion that we might as well be alternate sides of the same person. (Dunno if you'll remember, it was a while ago.)
The trouble is, I have no idea about your other friends. Ivan, Mr Wrong Box Guy, or some other person you undoubtedly talk to could all be attracting your attention, and if I wait too long I could miss out on you entirely.
However, I have made a point of not hitting on you. Yes, I am an affectionate friend, and thankfully you accept that about me, but I'm not about to go chasing after you. There's something in the way.
You see, this is where life steps in and I find myself twenty-five thousand kilometres away from you. This is obviously quite a barrier, and overcoming it will require determination, time and money. Thanks to the colossal power of science, I am able to communicate with you on an immediate basis - I'm actually doing that right now - but that really does not compare to physically talking to each other. We've talked about meeting up loads of times. But there's one little thing.
There's a saying that goes "don't make someone a priority if you're only an option to them". Chloe, you are not an option to me, you are a priority. I am completely aware how creepy this probably sounds (why the hell do you think I made this journal private?) but it's true. I really do care about you, more than I care about most of the people I actually live with. Given the option, I would meet you. And I won't deny that if we got along well in real life, I might even try to pursue a romantic relationship with you. I just don't know how it would all play out. And by even thinking of this I know quite well that I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Life has never gone my way, and I don't expect it to suddenly start anytime soon. You and I do not act similarly in similar situations. I think more with my heart, and you with your head. I don't know whether we'd compliment each other well or hate each others' guts.
If we did meet, there's that list of things we have to do together. Beer tea party, jamming out... and of course the camping trip. I would love to go on a one-on-one camping trip with you, hiking through the mountains, sleeping under the stars, late night talks, and all that jazz. It's wonderful enough on its own, and it would be even better with someone as deep and meaningful as you.
(Having said that, I need to write more about being on my own. But that's for another time.)
Point is, Chloe, you leave me deeply conflicted. I consider you a very close friend, and it is an active goal of mine to meet you someday with the intent of becoming a proper RL friend. Whilst I find you intimidating and scary-thought-provoking, and like I said, although I fear that I will ultimately be disappointed, I I have learned so much about both myself, and the world around me, from you, and I am so grateful for that. There is a lot of love in my heart for you. Thank you.
------
ETA : I just saw Forrest Gump for the first time. I cannot begin to describe how amazing it was, but one thing in particular stands out. I am extremely hesitant to say this, because I don't know when it stops being good and moves to bad, and the only reason I can say it is because here I know nobody will read it.
During the movie, Forrest does many amazing things, but he is always thinking of Jenny. No matter where he goes or what he does, she's always on his mind. Now, I'm not always thinking of Chloe, but she is quite often on my mind. Many of the things I am doing or teaching myself to do is for her. Especially the exercise. I've been so lazy about that over the past few years... I broke up with Angie and then BAM four years had passed and I was fat and weak. And I'm changing that for Chloe. I could be changing it for myself, but everyone knows I don't care about myself. As much as I would love to, I can't see what's so good about myself. At least this way I'm getting something done, y'know? I have a long-term goal to look forward to. And if I don't achieve my goal, I'll still have put in the effort and be a better person for it.
This is probably teenage infatuation. Puppy love. But I hope it's not. I really, really hope it's not. I want this to be something more. Please, please let this have more meaning than just another pointless crush.
I hope that one day I can tell Chloe about Philomena.
Goodnight.
Chloe, you and I come from completely different worlds. You were obviously messed up as a kid, as shown by the way you sympathise with sociopaths, and the way you yourself exhibit minor traits of sociopathy (to me, at least). You have put a colossal amount of incredibly high-quality work into a fictional character, which indicates that you have very little to live for IRL.
The short answer? I'm terrified of you. You are the ultimate test for me to pass. Every time we talk, I feel like you're scrutinising me, and many of the things you say sounds like judgements. How could I possibly forget the day that you told me that I'm "insanely impressionable"? And then there was the more recent time when you commented on the fact that I "don't adapt well". These are both true, and they are character flaws of mine. (I don't think they're as bad as some other flaws I have, but that's not the point.)
I just wish I knew whether they actually matter to you or not. I was only half-joking when I made that comment about you looking down on me. But then again, I feel like everybody looks down on me, so it's no big deal to me.
How much do I matter to you, Chloe? This isn't an accusing question, just a curious one. Where do I stand on your list of friends? Am I one of those people you occasionally talk to online, or even someone whom you make a point to talk to? (Judging solely from the amount of times you've actually initiated conversation, I find myself doubting that it's the latter.) Do I actually matter to you on a more personal level, perhaps? Am I the kind of person whom you actually want to meet, or even get to know on a personal level?
Because I know I feel that way about you. I have never met a more compelling, intriguing person than you, Chloe. Raquel, Becca, even Dusty - they're all fascinating people whom I really want to know more about, but you take the cake here. Your actions and their motives leave me thinking long after we've stopped talking. I think Dusty recieves less of a reaction from me because I subconsciously categorise her with certain stereotypes (not on purpose, I swear), but you, Chloe, are impossible to categorise. I can relate to so many of your issues, interests, confusions and priorities that we have even acknowledged on occasion that we might as well be alternate sides of the same person. (Dunno if you'll remember, it was a while ago.)
The trouble is, I have no idea about your other friends. Ivan, Mr Wrong Box Guy, or some other person you undoubtedly talk to could all be attracting your attention, and if I wait too long I could miss out on you entirely.
However, I have made a point of not hitting on you. Yes, I am an affectionate friend, and thankfully you accept that about me, but I'm not about to go chasing after you. There's something in the way.
You see, this is where life steps in and I find myself twenty-five thousand kilometres away from you. This is obviously quite a barrier, and overcoming it will require determination, time and money. Thanks to the colossal power of science, I am able to communicate with you on an immediate basis - I'm actually doing that right now - but that really does not compare to physically talking to each other. We've talked about meeting up loads of times. But there's one little thing.
There's a saying that goes "don't make someone a priority if you're only an option to them". Chloe, you are not an option to me, you are a priority. I am completely aware how creepy this probably sounds (why the hell do you think I made this journal private?) but it's true. I really do care about you, more than I care about most of the people I actually live with. Given the option, I would meet you. And I won't deny that if we got along well in real life, I might even try to pursue a romantic relationship with you. I just don't know how it would all play out. And by even thinking of this I know quite well that I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Life has never gone my way, and I don't expect it to suddenly start anytime soon. You and I do not act similarly in similar situations. I think more with my heart, and you with your head. I don't know whether we'd compliment each other well or hate each others' guts.
If we did meet, there's that list of things we have to do together. Beer tea party, jamming out... and of course the camping trip. I would love to go on a one-on-one camping trip with you, hiking through the mountains, sleeping under the stars, late night talks, and all that jazz. It's wonderful enough on its own, and it would be even better with someone as deep and meaningful as you.
(Having said that, I need to write more about being on my own. But that's for another time.)
Point is, Chloe, you leave me deeply conflicted. I consider you a very close friend, and it is an active goal of mine to meet you someday with the intent of becoming a proper RL friend. Whilst I find you intimidating and scary-thought-provoking, and like I said, although I fear that I will ultimately be disappointed, I I have learned so much about both myself, and the world around me, from you, and I am so grateful for that. There is a lot of love in my heart for you. Thank you.
------
ETA : I just saw Forrest Gump for the first time. I cannot begin to describe how amazing it was, but one thing in particular stands out. I am extremely hesitant to say this, because I don't know when it stops being good and moves to bad, and the only reason I can say it is because here I know nobody will read it.
During the movie, Forrest does many amazing things, but he is always thinking of Jenny. No matter where he goes or what he does, she's always on his mind. Now, I'm not always thinking of Chloe, but she is quite often on my mind. Many of the things I am doing or teaching myself to do is for her. Especially the exercise. I've been so lazy about that over the past few years... I broke up with Angie and then BAM four years had passed and I was fat and weak. And I'm changing that for Chloe. I could be changing it for myself, but everyone knows I don't care about myself. As much as I would love to, I can't see what's so good about myself. At least this way I'm getting something done, y'know? I have a long-term goal to look forward to. And if I don't achieve my goal, I'll still have put in the effort and be a better person for it.
This is probably teenage infatuation. Puppy love. But I hope it's not. I really, really hope it's not. I want this to be something more. Please, please let this have more meaning than just another pointless crush.
I hope that one day I can tell Chloe about Philomena.
Goodnight.